Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Earwax and the New Abnormal


Over three months ago I was diagnosed with incurable follicular lymphoma, and I’m feeling great.  I still don’t feel like I have cancer, and thank God I’ve been able to teach all my courses and carry out my other responsibilities as a department chair, academic advisor, and academic program coordinator.

I’m still not being treated for my slow-growing cancer.  Clinical experience shows that if I’m supposed to live for x years and I’m treated now, then I’ll live for x years.  If I’m not treated now, then I’ll still live for x years.  Nope, there’s no way to know what x is.  In the words of Dr. Joe Stephenson (my oncologist), though, “it isn’t a matter of if it will get worse, it’s a matter of when.”  It might be in six months, six years, or even longer.  Nope, there’s no way to predict this, either.  Every three months Joe will check it:  the idea is to catch it just as it escalates.  I’m very glad that I’m not yet dealing with either chemotherapy or radiation, but from what people say it won’t be particularly pleasant.

And yet I’m just fine with all of this.  Although cancer now is and apparently always will be a part of my life, I’m continuing in my God-given roles as a disciple of Christ, husband, father, church elder, professor, and friend without stressing out over it all the time.  Would you expect to have an incurable cancer and yet be at peace about it?  To just accept it and get on with life?  This is my new abnormal.

What is normal, anyway?  Normally if a toddler lets go of an ice cream cone it falls to the ground and the kid starts crying.  To the kid, though, dropping the cone is abnormal.  Hence the crying.  Are adults much different?  When things don’t go as expected we become angry, annoyed, anxious, discouraged, embarrassed, envious, fearful, impatient, moody, perplexed, sad, upset, whatever.

God clearly states that the road to the new abnormal is paved with obedience:

“Oh that you had paid attention to my commandments!
Then your peace would have been like a river….”
(Isaiah 48:18)

In the interest of full disclosure I must say that sometimes I still disobey God.  On second thought, I don’t think I’m actually up to fully disclosing how disobedient I still am.  On third thought, Jeremiah 17:9 suggests that I don’t even know how disobedient I am.  So, on fourth thought let me just say that four weeks ago I disobeyed this clear command:

“Do not be anxious about anything,
but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.”
(Philippians 4:6)

A new problem related to my cancer arose suddenly and unexpectedly.  I was caught off guard by it and rapidly became anxious.  Discouragement quickly followed.  I needed to listen to what God says about such things, but my sin was like spiritual earwax that muffled his voice.  I didn’t even bother to ask him for help.  Apparently Elijah didn’t, either (I Kings 19).

The next day I realized that people were saying very pertinent things to me, but I largely glossed over them in my mind.  The following day I finally began to turn back to the Lord.  I spent some time reading my Bible and in prayer.  Shortly thereafter God reminded me of what had appeared to be an insurmountable problem in my life some years earlier.  It dawned on me that it was directly comparable to my current situation, and then I was shocked that I hadn’t made the connection.  God had solved that problem in a completely unexpected way.  I realized that the Lord was saying to me, “Brian, don’t you remember how I took care of you fourteen years ago?”  I felt remorse.  Then I repented.

God’s reminder was so quiet, so hushed that if it had been any quieter I suppose I wouldn’t have heard it.  He was so extremely gentle as he removed the earwax that I didn’t even realize he was doing it.  Thank you, Lord, for leading me back into the new abnormal.

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